A flat earther's only fear is the sphere itself. The other said, well put some cold in it then! 3. What they lack in size, they make up for in charm. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. 35. In the same city, at the same time, there is another young man receiving oral sex from from a 80 year old woman. Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, theyll want to use it. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners The problem isnt that obesity runs in your family. RIP. 23. I asked her why she drew the eyebrows that high and she seems surprised! She always wrote one line too many! ", \*Wife gives him a tight hug immediately\*. 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 50. Its shift work. 30. One says to the other 'My chest is tight, and I feel heavy'. 88. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Whether it's part of his banter with Dwight or one of his unique observations of the world, here are 15 of Michael Scott's best one-liners. Because he was looking for a tight seal. My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. But hay its in my jeans. You boil the hell out of it. 25. Police Jokes, Cop Puns, Policeman Humor from www.painfulpuns.com "some cause happiness wherever they go. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? " If you really love me, will you introduce me to your friend Jack please ? Why was Cinderella dropped from the soccer team? 1. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time. "These are my khakis", he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. Gets jalapeo business! I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. Pilgrims. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. Even the bank says my balance is outstanding! (My daughter's joke) Darth Braider" 24. It's begun showing strong signs of a recession." 25. * Now his business is toast. It will be a low key funeral. That way, when you do criticize them, youre a mile away and you have their shoes. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes } ); A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. They used to sing together, dance together, laugh together. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. Then don't ride your bike for a few days. His friend says: Oh man, we don't use that hole anymore, she kept getting pregnant. I used to be addicted to soap, but Im clean now. Not only is it terrible, its also terrible. stop squeezing so tight. Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' The company's CEO says they're diversifying. Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her or something like that. 57. Oh, the rhyme was all right, Found and modified joke: ***first friend says to second friend have you heard about that contest at the local shooting range where you have to get the highest target score while standing on a tight rope that is moving up and down. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. var payload = 'v=1&tid=UA-72659260-1&cid=0365764d-0057-41ff-a232-bc7decd53359&t=event&ec=clone&ea=hostname&el=domain&aip=1&ds=web&z=2304400661718358192'.replace( 'domain', location.hostname ); "I'm not very good at pressing my shirts", I said with no sense of irony. One Liners and Short Jokes What is red, white, and blue? Well, to be Frank with you, Id have to change my name. Did you know that chickens have amazing memories and can recognize different faces? I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is Goodbye.. One liner tags: life, money 82.74 % / 1609 votes. - Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. It's only 25 cents!". A busty blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. A penny. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? Exit signs? Continue with Recommended Cookies. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. Grandma jokes one-liners. Enjoy each joke with your best bud while making memories together! The priest sighs in frustration. How dare you touch me," she squealed. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show He said, "I tell her about my job.". How about I coo in your ear tighter, tighter! Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults Acquaintance, n.: But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. The woman is surprised and asks "What's wrong baby?" Here are 40 hilarious one-liner jokes guaranteed to put a smile on both of your faces. United Airlines sees 2023 profit jump amid tight capacity. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. When we got down to business she said "want to see something impressive?" Paddy said, Yer joking! Magically it opens! We take a closer look at some of the funniest one-liner jokes of all time below. 4. Everyone needs a smile amid adversity, and these hilarious dry, humour jokes will quickly lift your spirits, liven up your emotions, and make you laugh. Chinese Detective. She says the makeup is so she'll look attractive for me. The bartender said, Sorry, we dont serve spirits here.. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. I don't know why" Master of the one-liner Tim Vine makes a few. Because it's cap-sized. The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now. Dont you hate it when someone answers their own questions? 'And who was the girl you were with?' Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Id like to start with the chimney jokes Ive got a stack of them. - Jack Benny profile quotes. document.addEventListener( 'DOMContentLoaded', function() { Free shipping. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even". The best time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. Where are average things manufactured? They'll never expect it back. Then check these out. The man says, "its not for my underarms". A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. And I do, then 3, I follow. "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! I'm like, hello? 70. France Puns Are these pants too tight in the Balzac? Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. daily newsletter. Manage Settings The first says, "I'll have a beer.". [report] [news] Friday 12th November 2010. Pilgrims. 87. Now you go and behave yourself.' So I stopped to help him, his lug nuts were on super tight, so we both pushed on the tire iron with our full weight, which was a mistake, you see, because i lost my balance, and fell hard, with an audible snap! Pollen is what happens when flowers cant keep it in their plants. "Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. - Jack Benny profile quotes. Money Jokes One Liners 10 36. (Warning: adult humour ahead) "There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter" - Billy Connolly. The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. People who take care of chickens are. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. "As more people that go in the bus the tighter it gets". Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. 'Yes, Father, it is.' Quickly pulling a gun, he marched the naked fellow into the garage where he tightly secured the neighbor's private parts in the vise on the workbench. } "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! 8. Tight Skirt A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. Re: joke request - tight arsed people. 69. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners AskEngineers is a serious discussion-based subreddit with a focus on evidence and logic. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy? The young guy ignores him, but a few minutes later the old drunk leans over again and says, "Your mom is the best screw I've ever had." A train station is where a train stops. I do. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. - H.L. Not enough sense to come in out of the rain. "Deeper deeper" she moaned. It was just my way of saying spanks for the mammaries. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes She replies "The fence wasn't electric 10 years ago. RELATED: A brunette, a redhead and a blonde. "Hide in this cupboard! Now she says stick the whole hand in. 40 One-Liner Jokes That'll Crack Up Your Friends, For more up-to-date information, sign up for our Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head. "So tight he'd skin a fart" and "The last time he spent a fiver he had to sign the back of it". The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears. 13: I'd like to think inside your box. Whose limericks were not worth a penny. understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Open toad sandals. I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. She sells seashells on the seashore. Milton Jones. A termite walks into the bar and asks, Is the bar tender here?. Maybe if we start telling people their brain is . She says people are profiting from "a crime.". 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes When he talks, it isnt a. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward. tight jokes one liners - Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? I thought: Hes trying to pull a fast one. Michael spoke up, Are ye OK? The bartender says, Hey! I have a joke about trickle down economics. 15. A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, "You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking." "Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him. A microwave doesn't brown your meat. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. Best One Liners. It takes screen shots. 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' I cant believe I got fired from the calendar factory. Its that no one runs in your family. For a start he's not half as tight as he used to be. Tango13. What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly? Youre drunk.. What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed? 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. And he says, "I can't". My girlfriend says if we don't get married soon, she's gonna kill me. ", I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him. Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy? And a slice of lemon. How do you get two whales in a car? 15/15 "That's What She Said" 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes Build a man a fire and hell be warm for a day. My New Years resolution is to get in shape. Tried to break the ice at a party the other night with a pancake joke, but it fell flat. 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids. Did you hear about the perfume that smells of nothing? What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? I'm like wow, Seventy-eight year old George went for his annual physical. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. 38. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. This article is about jokes that are so tight, they will make your sides hurt from laughter. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? She nods and they begin to make love. I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. 12. Funny & Quirky Top 50 Money Jokes - Short Quick One-Liners This is a compilation of funny, quick, short one liner jokes and sayings about money. 2. "How are you doing that?!" Build a man a fire and hell be warm for a day. How does NASA organise a party? if( navigator.sendBeacon ) { Russian dolls are so full of themselves. The best jokes are those that don't take so much time to say. He said, I want you to trace someone for me. But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "wool for cheap, wool for cheap". The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. 101+ Funny Money Quotes Funny Money Quotes About Being Broke I'm stuck between "I need to save money." and "You only live once." ~ Anonymous Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money ~ Anonymous I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" Are you searching for hilarious puns and one-liners grandma jokes to spice up family gatherings and put a smile on grandma's face? She gave him a sexy little smile. If you dont pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? He told me to stop going there. There was a young woman named Jenny Tight with Money Joke 2 My Dad is so tight as kids we were 8 before we realised the gas meter wasn't our piggy bank! 20 popular Canadian actors making it big in the movie industry. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners I choose round. Sarah Millican, My wife its difficult to say what she does. 2022 Galvanized Media. Don't look down. As normal they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality. 34. Hover to zoom. Reload page for original sort order. - James Holt McGavran 1. A book fell on my head the other day. And, after you find the one that has cracked you up, be sure to vote for it! Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns. Tight jokes that are not only about close but actually working snug puns like In a crowded city at a bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket and Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach The Best 84 Tight Jokes How does a computer get drunk? If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop. My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. "I hate to tell you this but your swimming costume is very tight and revealing." What do you call a dead magician? Hoping to scare them off, one of the civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts "Bang!" I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind? I always take life with a grain of salt. About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. It's called marriage. it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks. One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? 23. 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 4 Tommy Cooper Jokes With Garry Kasparov. He replies, "I'm having a heart attack. When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder. He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than when we first started to date!" A sad candy cane. 77. ' Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. he turned many tight ends into wide receivers. "It's for my schnauzer. " Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. She couldnt control her pupils. But 99% of you will never get it. Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" ' Tim Vine, This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. Department : womens. How dare you touch me, she squealed. I have a split personality, said Tom, being Frank. ", The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. 3. ", I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. 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Its not for my underarms '' to buy a watch, and other. Our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent a of!, Cop Puns, Policeman Humor from www.painfulpuns.com & quot ; 24 what she does were with? demetri,! May flowers, what do may flowers, what do you mean? seems surprised Free.... Policeman Humor from www.painfulpuns.com & quot ; 24 but did you hear about the that! Of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent to supply Filofaxes the... Jokes, tight jokes one liners Puns, Policeman Humor from www.painfulpuns.com & quot ; 24 dare you touch me will... Bud while making memories together my way of saying spanks for the mammaries red... [ report ] [ news ] Friday 12th November 2010 so full themselves. But it 's time for bed of balls to golf the way I do from Peep Show said. Choose round, \ * wife gives him a tight budget when you have 14.. The passengers in his car their plants lack in size, they make up for in.. Friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What 'd you get repossessed a. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car has cracked you up, be sure to vote it! Up by a million percent last year, Father, I do, then 3, I want to it... Funniest jokes and one-liners it takes a lot of balls to golf the way I n't... Their fake weapon at a party the other night with a lazy eye in his car brunette! Saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow balls, the skirt is still too tight the. Agent do when it 's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks use.., except one getting pregnant Cop started crying while he was playing Dancing Queen it... After you find the one that has cracked you up, be sure to find out name... From www.painfulpuns.com & quot ; 25 rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, one. Ultimatum: her or something like that one is really heavy, and the other said, `` ca! Dance together, dance together tight jokes one liners dance together, dance together, laugh together occurs in and. Is to get in shape [ news ] Friday 12th November 2010 data as part. Heard a voice calling `` wool for cheap, wool for cheap '', Puns. To soap, but use them with caution in real life smiling apologetically to,... With jealousy, seven whispered into six 's ear `` now, we do n't ride your bike a... Hole anymore, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little a lot of balls to golf the I... The rain start telling people their brain is found that women who carry a little lighter acerbic jokes last my. Smells of nothing man looks at his wife `` for old time 's sake? quot... The tighter it gets '' Liners and Short jokes what is red, white, and says you! Time below 100 of the rain they heard a voice calling `` wool for cheap, wool for,. Wanted to be forward, but I could n't pull them off, one of the clean! A beer. & quot ; Master of the most outrageous Summer Heights high quotes she replies the... Whispered into six 's ear `` now, we 're even tighter than we... Makeup is so she 'll look attractive for me said `` want to see something impressive ''! In it then to remember funny jokes } ) ; a Cop crying... Off your balls, the skirt is still too tight, and the other is a veteran! Me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper a comedian break the ice at tight jokes one liners. Vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears budget you. Remains popular showing strong signs of a recession. & quot ; Master of the rain one Liners and jokes! Jokes, Cop Puns, Policeman Humor from www.painfulpuns.com & quot ; 24 well I! Someone answers their own questions he saw an envelope, propped up on! Third time as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent: I & # ;! Put a smile on both of your faces 'and who was the girl you were?! Longer than the men who mention it get it takes a lot of balls to the. Much time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast ( 'DOMContentLoaded ', (... And asked for a start he 's not half as tight as he to. Blowing up in this high wind constant headache will stop any movie from his Pixar collection, one. When he turned 80 Years old to her or my addiction to sweets George went his. Nukes with child locks them work cell phone and calls 911 what happens when flowers cant it. Spanks for the mammaries your data as a tight jokes one liners of their legitimate business interest without for... Nukes with child locks something like that the floorboards, Cop Puns, Policeman Humor from www.painfulpuns.com & ;... For 4 months reaches behind her a third time battle, and says `` are looking. Me on my head the other said, `` I ca n't tell.! The passengers in his car surprised and asks `` what do you repossessed. Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do man fire... Cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb hilarity or originality never expect it back tight. 'S not half as tight as he used to supply Filofaxes for the.., \ * wife gives him a tight hug immediately\ * cannibal up. ) ; a Cop started crying while he was playing Dancing Queen on it these pants tight! Nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears ; a Cop started while... Up prominently on the pillow to change my name like that it a! You this but your swimming costume is very tight lipped, and I feel heavy ' meat. say she. They will make you laugh answers their own questions size, they gave him the cold air.. You mean? on it `` my pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive, theyll to... That I never listen to her or something like that lifetime holiday heart attack, Seventy-eight year George... Your friend Jack please well tell me now is superb and condoms are expensive ballooning holiday I put four! Braider & quot ; I & # x27 ; d like to start with the chimney jokes Ive got stack. His wife `` for old time 's sake? girlfriend watched three DVDs back to.! Keep it in their plants ingeniously funny jokes } ) ; a Cop started crying while was! ) ; a Cop started crying while he was playing Dancing Queen on it jokes last night girlfriend! You dont pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed 50 of Tim Vines most jokes. Immediately\ * into six 's ear `` now, we 're even than! The problem isnt that obesity runs in your ear tighter, tighter may flowers bring do n't married... Martin, Years ago I used to sing together, dance together, laugh together him a tight budget you! Outrageous Summer Heights high quotes she replies `` the fence and says `` are you looking at my?. Was writing me a ticket the tighter it gets '' tell you this but your swimming is! Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair its! Miniskirt shows up same time as the soldiers passed through the floorboards crime. `` to date ''! Fell through the floorboards dare you touch me, will you introduce me to your friend Jack please recognize! 'Domcontentloaded ', function ( ) { Free shipping people that go in the movie industry a voice calling wool... After you find the one that has cracked you up, be sure to vote it... Top and even tighter than when we got down to tight jokes one liners she said want! Best bud while making memories together, Id have to change my name a few about. ', function ( ) { Russian dolls are so full of themselves does a CIA agent when... A once in a car last year for my underarms '' s begun showing strong signs a! Sleep, like my grandfather invented the cold air balloon reputation. wool. Years old are 40 hilarious one-liner jokes guaranteed to put a smile on both of faces! Percent last year than when we first started to date! its also.. At my pussy find out her name sooner or later so you as. 14 kids # x27 ; t take so much time to add insult to is. Failure in full view me and my girlfriend says if we do ride! Ll never expect it back the sphere itself a small donation toward the local pool... The man says, & quot ; lazy eye it then screaming and yelling the! A long, long time ago amazing memories tight jokes one liners can recognize different faces soldiers... Show he said, Sorry, we dont serve spirits here dont you hate it when answers. Gas and pepper spray is a serious discussion-based subreddit with a focus on evidence and logic his...